Dream Journal 22-10-17 | Honest To Blog #4

I am with a relatively new partner, who is a stranger to the odd behaviours and occurances that come alongside dating a writer. One thing that particularly shocks him, is my dreams. So every time I have a strange dream, I tell him about it. 

Here is the text that I sent him today: 

My dream today was that a chemical got in the water and made some things that had died come back to life almost, so a guy dies on a ship and his crew mates are sending his mmm through one of those enclosed safety slides to bury him at sea, but when he hits the water, the chemical reacts and he starts to realise his own existence as a dead human. 

Then the same thing happens to a butterfly who was tortured by a nasty kid, so the butterfly attacks the kid and freaks him out so much that he falls out a window.
Weird, right? 

Getting Back into Writing | Honest To Blog #3

I’m struggling to start writing anything of meaning. I have an unfinished manuscript that’s nearly three years in the making, and yet I can’t bring myself to finish it. 

I make excuses of work, and sleep, and social life, but truthfully, I’m not sure what is stopping me from tapping those keys and producing something to be proud of. 

The book I am writing is the second in a trilogy, but despite having planned out the remainder of the plot, I can’t seem to do anything more than make notes. It’s as if I’ve grown bored of the characters, or perhaps they aren’t behaving the way I wanted them to? Who knows, well I should really… 

My friends just tell me to start small with the words, write something else to get back into the habit. I guess that’s what this blog series is: getting back into writing. 

Let’s see if it works, shall we?

Mel x

Pregnancy Dream? |Honest To Blog #2

I had one of those scarily real dreams last night. The kind that makes you wake up and go, ‘What are you playing at, sub-conscience?’

For anyone that knows me personally, you’ll know I am strongly against having children. Nothing about producing offspring seems fun to me, (except the initial sinful act itself). And yet last night, I had what I can only describe as a confusing pregnancy nightmare.

I wake up (in the dream), and I’m holding my tummy and it feels firm, not squishy like normal. And it’s bigger, and lower down, like it’s heavy. Then my back hurts when I try to get out of bed. I get dressed for work and my normally loose fitting top is tight over my stomach. I put a big coat on to try and hide it, and waddle to my bus stop. A sullen teen gives up her seat for me on an empty bus, and I take it like it’s mine and I’m allowed to. When I’m at work, and everyone is grabbing me softly, bringing me tea and making me sit down. I keep holding my tummy and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.

Then an old work friend, (who in real life had a baby six months ago, and also has the same first name as me), comes in and is big and pregnant. She wobbles over to me and bumps her baby bump against my stomach. Everyone seems so happy that my stomach is swollen, and then when I waddle back to the staff room, there are pink balloons everywhere and people are giving me gift bags.

Suddenly, I’m in my garage, playing with my pet rabbit, and a guy friend of mine appears out of nowhere and tells me to sit down, to relax. That I’ll hurt the baby. ‘What baby?’ I ask, but he doesn’t answer; he just makes me sit down. Then my tummy starts to really hurt and I can feel myself getting cramps.

I wake up. (And no, I’m definitely not pregnant.)

Pregnancy dreams symbolize an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. – Dreammoods.com

I’m about to start a new chapter in my life, returning to university to do my Master’s. Maybe that’s it?

Over and out,

Mel x

Stressing, Reflecting | Honest To Blog #1

I’ve recently taken up journaling again, so I thought I would try something new after remembering the phrase ‘honest to blog’ from the movie, Juno. I don’t know if this will be a regular segment, but I thought I would give it a go anyway.

I write mostly in a stream of consciousness when it comes to journaling, so keep that in mind if I go slightly off track.

#1

I’ve got Spotify playing in the background, – because I can’t write without music – and I realized that I’ve never even heard of eighty percent of the UK Top 20. I’ve noticed recently that I’ve left a lot of that behind; keeping up to date with music and TV trends. Like, sure, I watch Game of Thrones – but I haven’t even started Season 7. And I don’t know about all this rivalry between pop stars, or who all these seemingly young pop-hipster-wannabes are in the charts. They all look the same.

Actually, everyone looks the same these days! I was walking through town the other day, and saw several (individual girls – not in a weird group where they basically clone each other and call themselves a ‘squad’); and they were all wearing ripped denim jeans, a white t-shirt of some kind, and an oversized denim jacket. If it hadn’t been for the different hair colours and styles, I wouldn’t have noticed they weren’t the same girl. Strange, how I still call anyone under the age of thirty, a girl. I’m not a girl, I’m a woman, and yet I still don’t feel old enough to be a woman, or a grown up, or anything really. I feel like my first year was five minutes ago, and five years (like it actually was), all at once.

Strange, how I still call anyone under the age of thirty, a girl. I’m not a girl, I’m a woman, and yet I still don’t feel old enough to be a woman, or a grown up, or anything really. I feel like my first year was five minutes ago, and five years (like it actually was), all at once.

I’m getting nervous about going back to do my Master’s, Two years out of education has taken its toll on me. I never read or write anymore. I just work, eat, sleep, and watch YouTube and Netflix. My book-buying habit has swapped for junk food, makeup, and clothes.

I was going through some clothes the other day and found loads of old jumpers from my uni days, and I was smacked with nostalgia for autumn, and cold nights huddled up in my room studying. Or curling up with a good book so late into the night until I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. Back in the days when I had a desktop, not a laptop. I couldn’t afford anything, and yet I felt rich. Now, I’ve landed a decent job with the best money I’ve ever made, and yet I’m always broke. Always spending on things I don’t need to. Yet, back in the day, (oh, as if uni was decades ago!) deciding whether I wanted to treat myself to MacDonalds or a new book; a book would always win. When Amazon delivered a new book every other day. When my student loans were exclusively spent in Wetherspoons, ASDA, and charity shops.

Strange, how this is the most I have written in weeks, on a day where I’m feeling a little lost, a little selfish and a little-too-ready to question everything about my life. Waiting for the boy I like to make his mind up. Waiting for my Master’s degree to start. Waiting for the better, brighter version of me to come back. Waiting for the passion to return to my life. Missing my friends, my care-free-study-hard lifestyle to return, if only for a brief moment. I guess I’m waiting for the monotony to end.

Over and out,

Mel x

2017 | The Year of Adventure

Adventure is a strange word. For most people, it conjures up an image of hiking mountains and travelling through treacherous lands. For some, it means lavish hotels with ski resorts, or perhaps a quaint Parisian terrace house. For me, it means my life.

I think we can all agree that 2016 was a weird one. Deaths of legends. Natural disasters and indescribably cruel attacks on innocent civilians. So it’s safe to say that most of us are very ready to move on to 2017. Whether that’s because this year was so tragic, or because the new year holds so much promise. 

Personally, 2017 will be the year I get back on track. I have had eighteen months of gap year after university – clearly a lot longer than anticipated. My writing career has come to a standstill and my editor isn’t best pleased! I struggle to be creative and often find myself hiding under my duvet watching Netflix instead of being creative.

But, 2017 is the year to get in gear (ooh that’s catchy!). I will be transferring jobs, moving back to Canterbury and into a proper house – with my closest and most beloved friend, Ash – and starting a Masters degree (Publishing MA – if you were wondering) in the autumn. So I need to kick myself out of bed, as it were, and get motivated. 

Moving back to Canterbury was always the goal, so it’s amazing to be going back to a city that helped make me who I am. My university, my home, my friends, my personal and professional education all happened there. And whilst I will never be that eighteen-year-old fresher again, it will be nice to see it through some older eyes. 

[ We’ve made a Pinterest page to keep cool ideas for our new home, so if you fancy a look, here’s the link. Myself and Ash are looking to upcycle and DIY a lot of cool things, and I’ve already started with some candle holders, etc. But if you have any ideas, we would love to hear about them in the comments! ]

What does 2017 have in store for you? Marriage? A new job? Getting yourself to the gym? Or maybe it’s a new hobby, or perhaps just trying to change one little thing? Let me know in the comments what your plans for 2017 are. 

Happy New Year, guys!

Mel. 

Keep track of my year in pictures at www.instagram.com/melissaholden94 

Head In The Clouds | Blogging

I’m ill. As in tissue-box-follows-me-around-the-room,-where-is-my-medication ill. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time! Work has been crazy so I am too busy right now to be run down by some silly cold, but here I am.

I spent all last night and most of this morning dozing in bed watching YouTube and Netflix, hugging my tissue box and just generally feeling like crap.

But, if I want to be a super-awesome author within the next decade; then I don’t have time for lounging around in bed feeling sorry for myself! So, I hauled my ass into the shower, did a bit of pampering and let the steam clear out my lungs, dried my hair and jumped straight in front of my laptop.

And of course, my mind went blank! It’s not secret that I’ve been having some serious issues when it comes to writing my most recent manuscript, as I have been working on it for over a year and have still only written 22,000 words of my minimum word count of 60,000. So suffice it to say, I am not loving how my head is in the clouds these days – and being ill is not helping. *sad face*

So suffice it to say, I am not loving how my head is in the clouds these days – and being ill is not helping. *sad face*.

Maybe I will feel newly inspired after a walk into town, or maybe I’ll feel like I’ve caught the plague and go straight to sleep – but I can’t stay hauled up in bed all day… I’m an adult: I’ve got stuff to do!

Ciao.

The Facebook Bucket List Tag (UK Version)

I saw this on a friend’s Facebook page and thought I would play along on this blog.

 Put an X if you have done it.

Been Married
Fell in love 
Gone on a blind date X
Skipped school
Watched someone give birth
Watched someone die
Been to France X
Ridden in an ambulance X
Been to America
Been to Europe X
Been to Blackpool
Been to Liverpool
Been to Newcastle
Visited Disneyland/World
Visited Legoland
Seen Grand Canyon
Flown in a helicopter
Been on a cruise
Served on a jury
Danced in the rain X
Been to Manchester X
Been to Edinburgh
Played in a band X
Sang karaoke X
Made prank phone calls X
Laughed so much you cried X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue X
Had children
Had a pet X
Been sledding on big hill X
Been downhill skiing
Been water skiing
Rode on a motorcycle X
Traveled on a bus, train and coach X
Jumped out of a plane
Been to an outside movie
Rode a camel
Rode a Donkey X
Been on TV
Been in the newspaper
Been in a magazine
Stayed in the Hospital
Donated blood X
Gotten a piercing X
Gotten a tattoo X
Driven over 100 mph
Been scuba diving
Lived on your own X
Rode in the back of police car
Got a speeding ticket
Broken a bone
Gotten stitches X
Traveled Alone X

Please play along in the comments! I’d be interested to see what mischief you guys have been up to!

Travel To Infinity | Haiku

Travel with me, up

to the stars and far beyond

the infinity.

The Time I Quit Drinking | A Letter To Myself

Dear Me,

You know what you’re like: you can never have just one drink. And deep down, you’ve always known it was a problem.

You grew up with alcohol all around you – you live in a pub for god’s sake! So, you’re used to seeing alcohol every day. It’s practically you’re natural environment. Which makes coming home and being offered a drink pretty normal. It makes not being able to escape the Friday night drinkers okay. It makes making the excuse of ‘oh, I only came down for one but I was having so much fun I lost count’ acceptable.

Not anymore. No excuses.

Last night I was at a friend’s wedding – having an amazing night – but the worst thing about it was how lost I felt without a glass of wine in my hand. I felt like I couldn’t possibly have  a good night without alcohol. And that’s not right.

You used to be a pretty seasoned drinker at university, parties or drinks or clubbing every night, and up in time for that 9 am lecture. Thinking you were rocking the dry shampoo, but really you  were wobbling into class wearing some – if not all – of last nights clothes and make up. You tanked your grades second term because you’re brain was so fogged by the alcohol, that you couldn’t concentrate.

And you know what, using the excuse of ‘write drunk, edit sober’ doesn’t work if you’re never sober.

You started hanging with a better crowd, people who accepted you for you – not the party version you tried to be. You got healthier, smarter. Your grades got better and your mental health had never been better.

Then, in a flash, uni was over. Those friends that made you feel amazing (and hopefully you made them feel the same), they weren’t a five minute walk and a quick cuppa away. They lived miles away. Now, you all had new lives, with new jobs and new friends. You’re starting all over again.

So you started drinking more. A few after work with friends. A lot on a night out. Binge drinking. ‘I’ve had a long day.’ ‘I deserve a night off.’ ‘I’m only going to have a few.’ The lies you tell yourself to justify the glass in your hand.

Not anymore. Not again.

You’ve let your writing and your passions die. You’re always tired. You’re starting to depend on the drink again to make you an interesting person. You secretly enjoy the stories your friends tell you about all the crazy things you did the night before. But you know what? They aren’t telling you because it’s funny and a great story. They’re laughing AT you.

When the only stories your friends have of you start with ‘OMG Mel was so drunk that…’. That story, is never going to end well. So stop drinking. Start socializing more. Start writing again.

( Just to clarify: I am not an addict. I can go days without drinking. And I’m not doing this because I am against alcohol. But right now, it’s getting in the way of me becoming the person I want to be. )

You need to spend some time figuring out who you are AFTER university has ended. Without the alcohol to hide behind. Time to quit drinking and climb out of the fog.

So, Me – are you ready?

Love, Me x

Songs That Make Me Want To Travel (Playlist)

Ever heard a song that’s made you feel so ecstatic, you wanted to jump on a plane? Me too. Here’s my list:

DNCE -Cake By The Ocean

Good Charlotte -Dance Floor Anthem

Roses – The Chainsmokers ft Rozes

Never Forget You – Zara Larsson, MNEK

LeAnn Rimes – Nothing Better To Do

Daft Punk – Lose Yourself To Dance

Alanis Morissette – Ironic